Living overseas 3000 miles from children.?
I am a mother who was in a very miserable marriage for many years. I have 3 children who are now older 17,20 and 28. I stayed because of the children but thought of leaving so many times. The thought of having nowhere to take the children, bearing in mind they were settled in the sense that they had friends and school close by stopped me going. As the years went by i became more and more miserable and desperate and depressed. There seemed no way out and every day was a struggle. At that time the youngest was 13, middle one 15 and older in his 20s. I met a man online who lived overseas, after talking for almost 2 years (he was desperately unhappy too) we decided to meet. We met and fell in love but now i was faced with the terrible dilemma of what to do. This was the first happiness i had known for almost 20 years. Do i stay in the misery for another 5 years until the children were older again and independent. This is what i had been saying to myself for years " I will wait until they are older" But now here i was in love, and a man that loves me in return. After careful thinking i decided to go and be with him. I told my children that they could come with me but they decided to stay with their father. 5 years has passed since i came to live overseas. I miss them terribly but i do make a point of seeing them at least once a year. My youngest comes over and spends up to 2 months with us. I also fly over and spend at least a month with them. They are now aged 17,20 and 28. The guilt and pain are with me constantly. I still am miserable because i am not with them. Christmases are awful without them, we have not shared a family christmas for 5 years. Plus when the birthdays come i feel in lots of pain too. 2 of them now have left home and are independent. I never forget their special occasions and i have always told them there is a home here if they want to come. Can you tell me what you would have done in those terrible circumstances 5 years ago? You are ill with depression, constant misery with your spouse, your children are suffering with the daily arguments. You know you can't leave with them because you have nowhere to go and they have their home and pets and bedrooms. They are telling you they don't want to go with you but want to stay in the home. Then you fall in love and feel at last the long lost happiness that you had thought had gone forever. Do you take it? Or do you still stay in the misery? I comfort myself that they were older when i went, not babies but i know it was still wrong. Thankyou for taking the time to read this. Your answers and opinions would be welcomed.
Public Comments
- I can't and won't judge you because I haven't experienced what you have gone through. I just know that I myself could never leave my children behind, not for anything or anyone. If the children were suffering I would have left the marriage, but taken the children with me - somehow made it work.
- Sweetie, forgive yourself or you will be miserable again. Your children love you or they would not see you. I couldn't have left my children. I took them and times were really hard but we made it through. But, all circumstances are different so my choice is not necessarily always best. You did what you thought was best and that's all we can do. They know this too.
- I understand your pain. Mom can never feel comfortable about leaving their children, however, i believe your kids are old enough to take care of themselves. Plus, if they love you, they will want you to be happy. I think you shouldn't think too much, try your best to enjoy your life, and keep in touch with your children and see them as much as you can. When they see you are happy now, they will understand.
